How Being ‘Protected’ Held Me Back in My Career

His words were “I don’t think you’re ready. I don’t think you’ve been pushed hard enough or been given the right feedback to grow into a role like this.”

WTF!

I had been busting my a** for decades to get to this level. I was ready. I did everything right. Nobody had ever told me I was doing something wrong and wasn’t ready for the next step.

I explained all that to him. I told him I was not 100% ready but who is? I told him I had a lot to learn and was prepared to do what it took to succeed.

He didn’t doubt any of that. What he doubted was the thickness of my skin.

I was a bit confused by all of this. I had been praised my entire career for doing an amazing job. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t perfect. I made a lot of mistakes and learned from them. I thought I had been doing everything right but what he was saying just didn’t make sense… “my skin wasn’t thick enough.” What did he mean by that?

He explained…

He told me that it wasn’t my fault.

He said it’s just what happens with women like me in a male dominated environment. Men want to protect. It’s in their nature. They don’t want to upset me or make me cry so they keep the negative stuff to themselves.

Really?

All this time had I been doing everything wrong and just didn’t know it?

I was frustrated. Angry.

It wasn’t right. It wasn’t protection, it was holding me back.

At that moment, I got it. I understood what he was saying. I had felt it all these years, that protection he was talking about. It just never occurred to me until that moment what it was doing to my career.

That conversation was the most honest one I’d ever had with anyone at work. And honestly, it taught me something I wish I’d known sooner:

If you’re not getting feedback, it doesn’t always mean you’re doing everything right — sometimes it just means people are afraid to give it.

I’ve thought about it a lot. About all the times I could have learned something more from the mistakes I made. I’ve thought about where I might be in my career if I had been given — or had asked for — the chance to receive that valuable feedback and learn from it.

I ended up getting that role I “wasn’t ready for,” and he was right — my skin wasn’t thick enough. The politics and the skill of not letting the stupid sh** bother me weren’t things I was prepared for, so eventually, I left that world.

But here’s what changed:
Now, I ask for the feedback. I make it clear that I want it — the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable. I explain to my “protectors” that I need it to grow.

Because feedback isn’t something to fear — it’s a gift you have to be willing to ask for.

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